Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
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His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
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I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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