You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize