Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
