I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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