The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
