I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
then he tried to convert me to islam
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
