so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
