i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
