I seem to have left my pride at pride
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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