it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
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Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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