quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
