i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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