i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
