As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
