You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
