your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
did i walk over a car last night?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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