her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
