Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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