Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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