I wish I could teleport
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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