Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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