3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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