I wish I could punch you in the face.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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