new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
All I want is dick and wine.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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