here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
