i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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