Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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