no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
