I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
