please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
