i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
