Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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