my soul wont recognize me after tonight
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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