Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
