Betty ford says i'm here all night
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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