Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
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