He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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