The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
