Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
