you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
