I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
