she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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