God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
