Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
