I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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