You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
