New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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