I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
