I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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