Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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