There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
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