I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
