My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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