Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
