i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
