Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
