On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
