Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
