R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
