So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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